There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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