I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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