Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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