I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
