You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
