Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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