Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
no you cant smoke seaweed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
