If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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