Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
