How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it's like iHOP with fire
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
