Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
