mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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