why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
