i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
