I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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