People in love make me want to vomit
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
