Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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