He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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