oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
