so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
