Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
