So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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