Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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