Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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