Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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