Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
