i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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