I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I want is dick and wine.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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