Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
