i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.