I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?