You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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