To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
