Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
