just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
