Your face is a jimmy john
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
