I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
