I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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