cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
