saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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