rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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