this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
