my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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