He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
