I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
