I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Randomize
