Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
