i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
