After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
