remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know her cup size but not her name....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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