It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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