Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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