I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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