I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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