Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I bet he comes in French.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
