Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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