Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
