i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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